The Lovers
I am a frequent listener of The Daily and recently tuned into an episode titled “Modern Love: How to Fall (and Stay) in Love.” The episode revisited a piece written nearly a decade ago by Mandy Len Catron, in which she explores a psychological experiment first published in 1997 by Arthur Aron and his colleagues. The research aimed to create the conditions under which two strangers could fall in love.
Mandy shares the experiment’s structure: two people answer a series of 36 questions that require increasing levels of self-disclosure and mutual vulnerability. Then, they sit and gaze into each other’s eyes for four uninterrupted minutes. This moment of extended eye contact is designed not just to foster connection, but to strip away performance and reveal presence.
Reflecting on her own experience using this technique with her now-husband Mark, Mandy explains,
“I know the eyes are the window to the soul or whatever, but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me.”
This sentiment echoes the essence of The Lovers card.
The Lovers is the sixth card in the Major Arcana and is associated with themes of harmony, integration, relationship, and purpose. In numerology, the number six represents balance and the union of opposites. In Jungian psychology, this card reflects the movement toward individuation—the process of integrating disparate aspects of the self to become whole.
The Lovers card is often interpreted as a message about romantic union or choice. But at a deeper level, it invites us to confront the vulnerable act of seeing and being seen. This card reminds us that true intimacy begins with internal integration: only when we are becoming whole within ourselves can we deeply relate to another.
Mandy’s experience beautifully illustrates this truth. Her discomfort during prolonged eye contact was not simply about the awkwardness of a social experiment—it was about being witnessed in her entirety. She was not just observing Mark; she was feeling the full weight of his presence seeing her in return.
In the traditional Rider-Waite-Smith deck, The Lovers are depicted beneath an angelic figure. This celestial presence suggests that love and union are not only interpersonal but also sacred. The card evokes the idea that through love—whether romantic, platonic, or spiritual—we are connected to something greater than ourselves.
In this way, The Lovers is not merely about choice or affection. It is about the soul-level work of merging polarities—masculine and feminine, conscious and unconscious, self and other—in pursuit of truth and divinity.
The story Mandy tells is not just about falling in love—it’s about the courage it takes to allow oneself to be fully known. The Lovers card asks us to step into this same vulnerability: to see, to be seen, and to recognize that authentic connection requires both discomfort and awe.
Through this lens, love becomes more than emotion—it becomes a mirror through which we come to know ourselves and the sacred thread that binds us to one another.
References
Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167297234003
Catron, M. L. (2015, January 9). To fall in love with anyone, do this. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html
The Daily. (2024, February 14). Modern love: How to fall (and stay) in love [Audio podcast episode]. In M. Barbaro (Host), The Daily. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/14/podcasts/the-daily/love-modern-relationships.html
Pollack, R. (1997). Seventy-eight degrees of wisdom: A book of tarot (2nd ed.). Weiser Books.
